Wretched
by SpiralingForever
Summary: Finally, saving Mystic Falls was a thing of the past after fighting hellfire all on her own with nothing to show for it. She never knew the tragedy of fate would bring her back kicking and screaming three years later. Three year post Season Finale.
1. Chapter 1

**I'm taking a break from my Zombie!Bamon fic which I promise to continue before the next week ends. I had this Fic in my mind for weeks and decided to write it in case anyone would enjoy reading it. Reviews are very encouraging. Thank you for reading.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own TVD**

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 **Chapter 1**

 **Restless**

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 _As a plane prepared to touch ground in Virginia, clutching her arm rest, Bonnie found her sense of reason on a fast decline. It had been a while since she saw the 'Welcome to Mystic Falls' sign disappear in her rear view mirror. Memories of her childhood hometown was full of death, resentment, and heartbreak. The only bit of it she took with her was the communication she allowed from Caroline. The bubbly blonde continued to send little milestones by text every week or so. Bonnie could never bring herself to answer any messages or phone calls. The chatty vampire knew each message was read though there was rarely ever a reply. No one else sent her a thing because no one else knew her new number and Bonnie liked it that way. Finally, saving Mystic Falls was a thing of the past after fighting hellfire all on her own with nothing to show for it. She never knew a tragedy of fate would bring her back kicking and screaming three years later._

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The Past

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She spent half of her first year of freedom enjoying the hustle and bustle of New Orleans. She drank by the gallons, danced wildly, and spent her afternoons hungover arguing with the worried ghost of her dead ex-boyfriend. What seemed like a good time spiraled into a dark and thoughtless place to chase away old feelings. Old feelings she didn't want to acknowledge. She used her magic to make money gambling, living for herself was what she called it. She spent each night in a hotel expensive enough so that some sore looser wouldn't be found sniffing around at wee hours of the morning. The lifestyle was short lived by the end of the year when she blacked out after ignoring Enzo's warning. Bonnie kept accepting drinks from an overly friendly yet attractive vacationer, her only thought forgetting the world before. She woke up in a bed she never remembered laying down in and in a room she had never seen before.

"I've seen what's in ya mind. You ha' better not meet ya maker on ya damn knees child." Bonnie looked up to see a tall woman with dark skin, long grey hair and her arms crossed. She had full lips, strong broad shoulders, and long legs.

"M-my mind? What? Where am I?!" Bonnie ignored the pulsing headache with experience and looked around at the simple white room with antique white-washed wooden furniture. It could have been a dream but she wasn't too sure.

The woman let out a 'tuh' and placed her fist on a jutted out hip. She wore a white blouse and a long white wrap skirt that contrasted with her skin. "Ya safe now, is where you are. Found you gettin' dragged outta some club. The sonnava bitch went to grab his car and I got to ya before he did. Tried to drive ya home but you didn't understand a damn word I was sayin'." The sound of her southern twang was thick and firm yet warm. "Foolish lil' witch. You're livin' selfishly instead of livin' _for_ yourself." Ignoring Bonnie's eyebrows rising up to her forehead in surprise, she picked up a glass of water and handed it to her.

"Who-" Bonnie stopped herself from arguing with, what she assumed, was a powerful witch that had just possibly saved her life. Pressing her lips together, she took the glass of water and looked down to see she was still wearing her teeny tiny black sequins dress and matching pumps. Great, she had to be seen going back to her hotel room in the middle of the day dressed in slutty clothes . _Again._

"I'm Samirah, of the Ra coven." She let out a deep sigh as she sat down in a rocking chair next to the bed and looked Bonnie over with almond dark brown eyes. "You keep doin this and you won't last long. You Bennett's just sheets to the wind around ya and fallin' on swords fo somebody else. It's a shame, you haven't been on this earth long and ya died 3 times already. You're lucky but ya pushin' it-"

Bonnie never realized she was so thirsty until she emptied the glass in one swift chug. She nearly choked when she heard the ending of the woman's statement. "Wait, exactly _how_ much digging in my head did you do?"

Samirah began to rock in her chair slowly, a look of calm on her face. "Enough to know you're goin' nowhere real fast."

Bonnie stared at the elder witch hard and noticed Samirah didn't have a wrinkle on her face though her voice sounded old. A thousand questions ran through her head as silence filled the room. The faint pitter patter of a dog walking outside the bedroom could be heard. "You hold on Mister Barkley, I'll walk ya." Samirah talked to the dog behind the door. Bonnie found herself getting lost in thought, fingering the rim of the glass she held. She wondered what would have happened if Samirah wasn't there. She heard stories of what happened to people that fell asleep outside in the streets that went missing. The creak of the house chair pulled her out of her thoughts.

"You hungry child?"

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As the following year approached, Samirah became Bonnie's mentor. She guided her, scolded her when she made excuses for others and herself. The elder witch taught her to speak with the mind, but always come from a place of love. Most importantly, self preservation and knowing not everything needed fixing for everything was, is, and always will be in the state of becoming. Bonnie learned that the coven Samirah belonged to was nearly as old as the Bennett line, except they were immortal, were wiser about their secrecy, and found a state of enlightenment. It was the second time in her life had Bonnie met someone who inspired her as much as her Grams.

Samirah gave her a room in her 4 bedroom 1940's built home and put Bonnie to work pressing oils and harvesting herbs for her little apothecary shop a few blocks away. The young woman lived rent free and earned pocket money from the honest labor in Samirah's garden. The elder had Bonnie read Egyptian scrolls, various hoodoo books, Orshas and folklore, and the Emerald tablet. There were days she would rather stare at a wall than continue her star chart studies. As her mind grew, so did her magic.

By year three she let everything go. Her regret and resentment fizzled out, drifting away in smoke leaving nothing behind. She stopped holding her tongue about her feelings and heartache. She let Enzo's spirit rest in peace. Bonnie even freed her wardrobe of color, like Samirah who wore white and only white. It made her actions more careful, more thought out, and held more pride in keeping her clothes spotless until nightfall. She was making the decision to be initiated into the coven after Samirah mentioned a witch from an old lineage could join the Ra's in sisterhood. Bonnie was also taught in order to become one of them, she had to become one from within.

She could not use magic while emotions were high, she was to service witches in need often anonymously, not a blade was to touch her head, and all material and modern things could be used but scarcely. Still, she was born Bennett and knew it would be cruel to end the line so soon. Bonnie concluded Samirah was more fit to mother her first born. Bonnie held no interest in courtship or motherhood and entrusted Samirah to find an ideal warlock for the coupling ceremony. Once the child was born, the initiation would follow, until then she was to not use her magic. It was kept in a vessel Samirah kept hidden and over the course of time, she generously added small ounces of own her magic into it for an easier initiation.

It was a difficult transition, no microwaves and minimal television. Samirah's music collection made up for it, she had music dating back to the 20's. Her favorite genre was jazz, it seemed to be always playing faintly in the background. Bonnie learned to speak honestly and carefully choosing her words. There was no spell to fall back on if she said the wrong thing out in town. Perfecting the art of saying no for her own sanity and well being was an on going battle. Slowly, she was changing into someone she needed so she could follow in the footsteps of Samirah, to guide and protect other witches. Bonnie understood that it would explain why she endured so much in the past.

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The Present

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It was a late afternoon as Bonnie cycled quickly, her bronze skin glistened under a thin coat of sweat. Wrapped in her fist was the handle of Barkley's leash who jogged crookedly beside her as she rode her bike. Mister Barkley was a 14 year old Pointer-mix, white with brown patches and feeble hind legs. Samirah encouraged Bonnie to take him with her when she ran errands. The white sundress she wore was sticking to her thighs by the time she arrived at their tan house. The humidity made her sweat but made her hair grow like wildfire. Bonnie let Barkley off-leash after closing the gate, and watched him hobble to the front door. She could smell the catfish frying and spinach boiling from outside. Leaning the bike against the front steps, she pulled a tote bag full of mason jars out of the bike basket.

Bonnie fell into her routine; after cleaning up the table, Samirah would put on a record and drink a glass of vieux carré and Bonnie enjoyed an evening of meditation under the moon in the garden behind the simple house. She was deep in thought, listening to the frogs and crickets sing the sun to sleep. In the dark calm of her mind she saw flashing lights, it was like a lightning strike. Frowning she shook her head and tried focusing harder, this time she saw things she didn't want to see. There was someone with a familiar voice screaming in pain. Her eyes snapped opened, it was not time to dig any deeper in the spiritual world. Her spirit was still developing and was not fully prepared to meet all the 'friends in strange places' Samirah spoke of.

Standing, she made her way back into the house, Samirah had gone to bed early. Bonnie listened to the jazz record playing it's last song as she walked up the stairs to get ready for bed. After a hot shower and rubbing a cream on her face, she went to her bedroom for the night with a book in hand. Bonnie unplugged her cell phone from the wall and turned it on waiting for the single 'ping' it made when Caroline gave her the message of the week. She regularly checked her messages before bed. Sitting on the corner of her mattress in a simple nightgown, she stretched her arms upwards and let out a long deep yawn. The kind that made her eyes water and her body relax. Her phone vibrated.

'Ping'

Bonnie gathered her long curls and began to twist it into a high bun.

'Ping' 'Ping'

Her brows furrowed as she wound her hair tight and used a white satin ribbon to keep it in place. _'She hasn't sent that many messages in over a year.'_

' Ping. Ping. Ping. Ping.'

She could feel in the pit of her stomach something wasn't right. She felt her body break into a cold sweat. Grabbing the phone she opening the message and started reading from the top. Her eyes scanned the text over and over again. Bonnie felt her stomach twist, her palms were sweating, her breath became quick and short. The room felt too small and too big at the same time. It made her nauseous, more than Caroline reluctantly settling for Alaric, more than news of Jeremy's 'surprise' baby, more than the inevitable engagement of Elena and Damon after their third break-up and make-up cycle.

It was another message about those two, but she didn't believe it, she couldn't. There had been an eight car pileup. The message was sent only minutes ago, Caroline informed with rushed texting which was seconds after she had been contacted by the paramedics. Regardless of what happened in the past, the reality of either of them losing their life scared her. Another reason she couldn't stay, they still locked themselves away in some secret place in her heart. Taking off her night gown she opened up a flight app and dressed quickly shoving random items into a duffel bag.

Bonnie wrote a brief letter and left it on Samirah's bedside table. The witch took the soonest flight she could book to a cursed city she promised herself she'd never return to. Slender fingers ran through waist length curls nervously throughout the trip causing frizz. She was oblivious to the fact that her hair taking up so much space was making the passenger next to her uncomfortable. As soon as they were free to gather their things, the man bolted freaked out by Bonnie's twitchy behavior. Green eyes watched the passengers as they grabbed their overhead luggage and waddle down the narrow isle one by one.

' _Everything is okay. Everything is going to be okay.'_ The witch chanted those words over and over in her head, if she thought of anything else she could possibly manifest the worst. She ignored the fight against tears and her racing heart as she made her way out of the terminal. The witch managed to reach her destination in three hours flat. Pulling out her phone, she texted Caroline for the first time in what felt like forever.

B: just landed. which hospital?

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The white duffel bag slung over her shoulder bounced against her back as she ran through the hospital. Her hands held up her floor length dress to keep from tripping as she navigated through the bright florescent lit halls frantically. "Bonnie!" The witch made a sharp turn and was tackled by a sobbing Caroline. She looked the same, she cried the same, she still gave that soul crushing hug the same.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Bonnie! God!" The crying vampire pulled away showing her dark brown mascara staining her cheeks.

"What?!Wh-what? Are they okay?!" Bonnie held the blonde woman's head upright to keep her from crumbling in on herself. "What happened?" The witch did her best to remain calm but the look of terror was clear on her face.

Caroline head shook back and forth as she wailed loudly, her words barely audible. "I couldn't- I was too late- I-I c-couldn't save her." Her voice cracked as she cried. "She died on impact and..." She looked as if she was going to vomit, instead she fell into a coughing fit. "An-an-and, the _body_..." Her voice cracked as she saw Bonnie begin to sob.

"A-are they both?! Caroline look at me, please!"

"No I can't, I can't, I can't." She clutched onto Bonnie who was breaking down as well like a child.

"What happened?!"

"Damon, he's messed up real bad."

"Bad?"

"Right arm and both legs are broken, some deep wounds, and spinal fracture." Bonnie's head rose slowly to find the source of the voice, she saw Jeremy staring back at her, face drained of color. He looked he had seen a ghost, beside him was Alaric slumped to the floor with his face buried in his hands.

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 **As if Mystic Falls' residents could survive on their own. I felt like a big tragedy would happen without Bonnie around and ex-Vampires with no abilities to save themselves from regular dangers everyday people face. Please be kind in my reviews.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you for reading and the reviews! Wow, you guys really don't care about her folks back home. *pretends to be shocked***

 **Disclaimer: I do not own TVD**

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 **Chapter 2**

 **Impulse**

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Tension grew and swirled like an expanding fog in the dark of night emitting from Jeremy. Sensing it, Bonnie lifted her head after sobbing herself to sleep curled up in a chair in the hospital's waiting area. Caroline was still napping, her head rested on Bonnie's shoulder. The four of them stayed the night at the hospital throughout Damon's surgery. Caroline did not offer her blood, she was afraid to interfere with the healing process and risk that his bones would heal unaligned or an unpredictable reaction if he turned. Rubbing her puffy eyes with the back of her hands, Bonnie extended her legs and snuggled against Caroline for comfort.

It was an unpleasant surprise that she missed being so close to someone she was content with leaving behind. A man in bloodied scrubs with thick forearms approached the group and searched for the calmest face. Alaric stood and gave a short nod. The men briefly spoke in low voices ending with Alaric giving him a firm pat on the shoulder. He ignored the hard stare Jeremy gave him as he walked past him to sit on the other side of Caroline, he held her waking her up. "He's going to come out of it soon. The operation went well, with enough physical therapy he should be up and running again in about a year. It should have been sooner but the damage to his liver really screwed his immune system."

Bonnie made a move to get more tissue, she should have known his human body couldn't handle his drinking habit. Elena probably excused and forgave the behavior, even enabled his alcohol tendencies. "Someone has to... tell him." Bonnie turned to Caroline's realization looking like she dreaded even mentioning it. The tension in the room boiled over.

"I'll tell 'em!" Jeremy exploded through gritted teeth, both of his hands balled into fists. His chest heaved with rage, his mind was filled to the brim with memories involving Damon that led up to this point. What Damon did to Vicki, the first time he died, the constant bullying, mocking his relationship with Bonnie, his sisters magic drug addition, and now this.

"Jeremy...don't get hysterical!" Alaric warned, he stopped soothing his wife and stood to calm Jeremy with a raised palm.

"I'll tell him he got my fucking sister killed! He turned her! Fucked her up! And then fucked her over!" His body buzzed ready to plow through Alaric as he threw his weight against him. Alaric struggled to hold down Jeremy's arms, attempting to squeeze him in place with all his strength. Bonnie fought the guilt that began to wash over her, she felt partly responsible. It wasn't up to her but it wasn't supposed to end like this. A surprised nurse stumbled over his feet walking into the scuffle and turned around exiting just as quickly as he entered yelling for security.

"Jeremy stop! This isn't his fault! Elena wouldn't want this! Please!" Caroline shrieked, Bonnie stood in front of her to offer some stability seeing she was on the verge of breaking down. Jeremy bucked, kicked, and swung his fists wildly calling Alaric and Damon every foul name in the book. It wasn't long before both men were tackled by security. All the while Damon's doctor made their way to answer his question when he finally awoke.

Damon stirred fighting the reintroduction to a stale reality. There were muted flashes of what was conflicting with something soft and cool around his hand.

He knew it wasn't Elena because it was his second time waking up in that hospital bed, the first time he got the worst news he had heard in years and had to be sedated after hitting one of the doctors. It couldn't be Bonnie because he chose to play house and didn't blame her for distancing herself. She got tired of his bullshit.

'There was nothing we could do for your fiancé.'

Cruel words by mortals that had all the talents he no longer possessed echoed in the back of his head. Still, it didn't stop him from calling a name. "...Bonnie?" The small hand around his tightened in reply. He wasn't sure if he was going crazy, maybe it was a hallucination. The medication that made his pain dwindle to a constant dull ache lowered his level of awareness. He opened his eyes to find himself proven wrong.

She was more beautiful than he remembered, she looked like an angel. With his kind of luck, he didn't argue that it was the only reason he would be blessed with such a presence. There was something beautiful about the calm of her face, the white cloth that draped across her body, and none of the distracting necklaces and nicknacks that took away from paying attention to just his witch. It was like some sick joke that bitch karma played on him. He tried to force his love for Bonnie in the back of his mind but only felt regret in his attempt to commit to a human life with a girl he found he only enjoyed chasing, not having. He always got what he wanted but in the worst of ways.

Bonnie avoided looking directly into his opening eyes, she didn't want to see the wishful plea in his gaze. She looked at the bandages that covered most of his body, the dark brown and purple bruises on what little skin was shown, the stitches holding together the deep gash on the right side of his upper lip that would surely scar.

"...hey." Her voice was just above a whisper. She anticipated his next move as he tried to piece together his situation. His hand gripped hers painfully regardless of how ashamed he felt. She shouldn't have been there with him but he didn't want her to be anywhere else. He was angry with her for leaving and angry that he allowed her when he knew just how special she was.

The old Bonnie sang in the back of her mind that the new level of responsibility was good for her, a small price to pay for leaving her town and to prepare herself for the life she'd live after the initiation. Serving witches who were once like her. Damon held her hand like a child refusing to let go. It took Bonnie a few tries to pull from his grasp as she talked to the doctors, explaining to them she was the closest person to him in terms of family. She scoffed inwardly at herself.

He didn't understand why she would be back so late if she decided to come back at all. She wasn't there to make him admit he was avoiding the wedding, to shun him for drinking hard liquor on a daily basis, to give his shoulder a hard smack after his third break up and makeup with Elena, giving him a good talking to when he decided to sell the boarding house. Instead, she vanished into thin air. Now with Elena gone, she popped back into existence the same yet very different. He regretted refusing to admit he needed her more than she needed him. Damon convinced himself he was no use to her now.

* * *

'You have arrived at your destination.'

Bonnie turned off the GPS, she missed just listening to people give her directions and learning about the city when she made wrong turns living in New Orleans. The witch found it humorous that she was homesick for a place she spent a fraction of her life in. Bonnie worried about the long silence on the trip to Damon's home. She drove up the driveway in a rental and parked outside of the garage door. In one of Caroline's old texts, she informed Bonnie that Elena convinced him to sell most of his old belongings and start a new life in a new house. 'To be a fly on the wall when it came to finding his Persian rugs a new home.'

Damon made a grunt as he looked out the window and Bonnie leaned over to see what he was looking at. There was a woman down the road speed-walking in an orange windbreaker with teal leggings and a matching sun-visor. "A friend of yours?" Bonnie mused as she turned off the vehicle and tucked the keys into her coat pocket. She didn't expect him to reply, she was more or less talking to herself to cut through the silence. Damon couldn't trust what would come out of his mouth. That he was going to say something to scare her away, anger her, admit that Elena was in a better place. Instead, Damon's face twisted like he tasted something sour seeing his neighbor as she made her way down the block.

"I'll try to be quick." Bonnie opened his door and walked around the truck to grab his wheelchair and set it up. Pushing it to his side of the car, she tucked her arms under his to help him into his chair. He was incredibly heavy, the braces added unnecessary weight she felt was made to trouble anyone who wore them or offered assistance. Bonnie held him tightly, carefully positioning him until he was secured in the chair, she made sure his legs were properly propped up. His working hand quickly gripped her upper arm before she could pull away giving her an anxious look.

"Hi!" The woman's voice sang out loud and clear. Bonnie gave him a quirked brow and removed his hand from her arm. Turning around, she opened the car's back door and grabbed her duffel bag and Damon's medication. "Hello." The witch offered a small smile as she noticed the woman's face somewhat lit up with curiosity.

"Oh my god! What happened?! You poor thing, you're so beat up! Who are you? Where's Elena?" Her words spilled out a mile a minute.

Bonnie's winced at the name, not wanting Damon to have an emotional breakdown, her own were well hidden. She moved quickly to close both doors and grab the back of Damon's wheelchair. "Unfortunately she has passed. I'm his caregiver, he's still recovering from surgery and needs to rest so if you'll excuse me-"

"My word! Can I help? Aw, you poor thing! I just finished my workout. I can help you- oh! Let me grab my phone! My cousin Amanda runs this company-"

"We really need to take care of somethings and help him settle in. I'm sorry. Another time, yes?" Bonnie forced a smile at the overly forward and obnoxious woman. Pushing Damon's chair to the front steps, she turned it around and slowly pulled it up the stairs. Bonnie admitted to herself she needed to do push-ups more often.

"Are you sure you don't need help? Let me get that for you!" The woman stood back watching the witch struggle carrying the chair over the steps with sympathy.

"No. No, I'm great. Thanks. See?" Her forced bubbly voice was almost over the top as she got him to the third step and unlocked the front door. "Alright. Alright, nice meeting you!", she called out over her shoulder.

Bonnie rushed them inside and slammed the door before the woman could make any more comments or ask any more questions. Sighing, she pressed her back against the door and closed her eyes catching her breath from the workout. That woman's energy made Bonnie panic, almost as bad as the rave she attended freshly post-prison world. Something about her aura was dark.

The timer on Bonnie's phone went off again, clicking the snooze button she walked around and crouched down in front of Damon. "I'm gonna make you something to eat in a second, okay?" Her words were soft, another crack in the new Bonnie statue, she needed to be strong for the both of them.

His eyes were unfocused, his body slumped in his chair, Damon felt tormented by his loss and gain. She could see the old sparkle in his eyes were now doubtful. She bowed her head and pushed her knees standing upright.

"I'll be right back." The witch locked the door behind him and took a brief tour through the cozy house. The house was three floors and family friendly, very similar to Elena's home before she went and burned it down. Bonnie thanked her lucky stars the master bedroom was on the first story. Tucking a few curls behind her ears she opened the door to the room he shared with Elena and looked around to find the doppelgänger's possessions covering half of the room. She would call Caroline over to decide what to do with Elena's belongings after she and Damon had settled into a routine.

Damon did his best to bottle his emotions, he learned he couldn't lash out the hard way. After getting his ass kicked in front of half the whole town in a drunken bar fight, he became more tight-lipped. He was sickened by the small twinge of relief that Elena wouldn't have to grow old being disappointed in him, relieved that he didn't have to tell her he didn't want to marry her, relieved he didn't have to force another smile with his arms around her realizing it wasn't human Elena he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

Bonnie hummed gently as she chopped vegetables for a pot of broth boiled on the stove. 'Everything is okay. Everything is going to be okay. I've got this.' She thought a bowl of hardy chili soup would be appropriate and easy for him to eat on his own. For most of the evening, she hummed and recited positive mantras in her head to keep her spirits as high as she could. The alarm on her phone went off again to remind her she had only a few minutes before having to give Damon his pain medication.

She set the dinner table in a hurry and placed two pills on a napkin for him. His chair already at the table, Bonnie gave Damon a glass of water to wash down his medicine. He all too eagerly downed it surprising her. He was taking things way better than she thought he would. She watched Damon weakly pick up a spoonful of soup only to drop it bursting into tears.

Bonnie pulled off the 'kiss the cook apron and contemplated consoling him or giving him space. With each passing second, he cried harder. Cautiously, Bonnie approached him and wrapped her arms around him. Slender fingers brushed through his hair and the back of his neck to soothe him. "I'm so sorry this happened, Damon." He shook uncontrollably as soon as contact was made. Bonnie knew he was crazy about Elena, she worried how he would cope and how long it would take him. His arm wrapped around her, pulling her close, his human strength and grip surprised her. "I'm here. Okay? I'm here." She uttered, all while finding herself struggling with her footing as she did her best to pacify him without putting too much pressure on his injuries.

An hour passed and he was completely cried out, he let her spoon feed him half of his meal and with some difficulty got him into bed. To ease the mood, she played mellow jazz by one of Samirah's favorite artists. She watched steam rise as she sat on the edge of the bathtub, her hands wound up her long curls into a bun on top of her head. Bonnie added a few drops of body wash to the basin she filled with the bath water and mixed it with her index finger. Shutting the water off once it was nearly full, she carefully carried it into the master bedroom and set it on the floor next to where Damon laid wide awake and watching her quietly. "Do you want to do this on your own?" He gave his head a slight shake. Damon would do all he could to keep her close to him as much as he could whether it was necessary or not.

Bonnie realized she was going to do something more intimate with Damon than she had ever done with Enzo. Possibly the most intimate thing she had done with anyone in years. Clearing her throat, she left the room feeling her face growing hot. Damon stared at the ceiling listening to her move hesitantly around in the bathroom. He wondered what it felt like to be loved by her, not as a friend but as hers. Maybe she'd let him cater to her without question or suspicion.

Bonnie reentered the room with towels and placed them on the dresser. Helping him sit upright, she unstrapped and removed the sling from his arm and slowly unwrapped the bandages around it. Bonnie moved on to both of his leg braces and compression bandages. Each movement was careful, he watched her get lost in her concentration. He felt like an idiot, she had no business being his ward. He spent most of his life ignoring his feelings for her and she was here presenting little bits of her selflessness when she didn't have to. Damon knew it didn't matter, he could tell by her demeanor she would be gone as soon as he was well again. Until then, he'd make himself more pleasant for her sake.

Goosebumps covered his arms and chest as she carefully removed his shirt and began to unbutton his pants. Bonnie did her best not to stare, his body was still gorgeous, battered and a bit stockier but mostly the same as it was before. She knew he wasn't ashamed of being naked in front of her or any other girl for that matter. He had thrown his towel into the air a few times in the prison world just to get a reaction. At first, she'd freak out, weeks later she just rolled her eyes and gave him a bored huff. Her gaze never lowered until he pouted and strutted off disappointed that she didn't humor him.

Finally, in just his briefs, she helped him onto his side and back down after laying a towel under him. Damon stared unabashed, amazed that she could be giving and mindful yet so unreachable at the same time. He wondered how long she would refuse to look him in the eye. Still, it gave him the opportunity to take her in fully welcoming the warm wet cloth moving in small circles under his chin and down his throat. Her green eyes were more mysterious than they had ever been before, her lips more relaxed but wonderfully shaped, her fingers still nimble and meticulous.

"...please don't ask me, Damon." She felt uncomfortable under his searching look, she had no magic tricks to offer. Damon blinked confused as her hand paused over his upper thigh. "...to wash my-" "No Damon. I-I mean, I can't bring her back. I don't have my magic. So..." Carefully placing her arms under him, she turned him on his side facing him away, creating a barrier between them. She whispered apologies as he winced in pain and swallowed the lump in his throat. The trees swayed outside his window in a taunting manner.

Everything must have balance, the most memorable word she said to him. Damon assumed she probably gave her magic up for a noble cause like she always did. Everything must have balance. If he wanted a life with 'the girl', he had to give up his immortality. If he wanted to play house with 'the girl', he lost his best friend. If he got to see someone he realized he couldn't stop thinking about, he lost 'the girl'.

Bonnie was more upset about Elena finding Stefan in death to leave Damon alone more than he was. He'd probably never hear the end of it if he let her go on about the horrible loss. She was fully present and in the moment but completely unaware the root of his pain was not Elena, it was figuring out he needed Bonnie too late.

Bonnie was one of the most committed people he'd ever known, more than the doppelgängers or his own brother, but that commitment was mostly blind loyalty. The lamp on the bed sight table flickered in the darkening room. The day was coming to an end and she would vanish into the dark of the house once she finished her duties of cleaning his 'boo-boos'. Again. He wondered how it would feel to be on the other side of that cabin, his head in her lap instead of Enzo's, not seething in the shadows. If he stuck around long enough he could have had well spent years convincing her to choose him.

"I really missed you, Bonnie." His voice barely above a whisper.

"Damon, I..." She sat down on the side of the bed and placed the damp cloth on the rim of the basin. "I'm going to let you finish. I'll be right outside, so let me know when you're done." She tried to be as careful as she could as she quickly began to tug down his briefs, her eyes stayed on the ceiling until she pulled them off completely. The witch almost felt dirty, not that she was doing anything wrong yet the moment was undoubtedly strange to her. Placing the article of clothing on his nightstand, eyes still up she tucked the warm cloth in his hand with some difficulty. He watched, already missing her face as she disappeared out of the room.

* * *

"Stay."

Bonnie stood near the doorway, arms wrapped around the full basin and looked over at him dressed in only pajama pants as per requested. His arm back in its sling with a pillow propped under it for comfort. With a history of self-destructive tendencies, she squeezed the basin closer to herself. "...Okay." It felt like walking on eggshells around him, she didn't know what to do or not to do to keep him from bursting into tears again.

To see him so distressed hurt her, even more, to know he'd have to fight this alone. It wasn't her job anymore to stick it out for him. Time would do the job for her if he had the mind to behave himself. She grabbed her duffel bag and picked a guest room to change in. The room was simple, nothing about it had any personality or pictures of who lived there like the living room and kitchen.

Navigating through the dark, Bonnie walked down the creaky stairs barefoot in a white tank top and shorts. She felt like she was sneaking around, like a harlot, like she didn't belong. Another part of her needed to close this chapter on a good note, if keeping him collected until he recovered was what needed to be done, then so be it. Mystic Falls proved once again it was a beacon of loss and despair. Caroline seemed to be doing well but she was a vampire with witches for daughters.

She'd have to ask the blonde to tell Matt and others the news, she couldn't be around any more of the circle. They dropped like flies and she was growing tired of keeping every single one of them alive when they did not return the favor. Bonnie pushed open the door to the master bedroom to find Damon already asleep. Climbing on the other side of the bed, she rested on top of the blankets as close to the edge as possible. She prayed that sleep would take her quickly.

* * *

 **Mmm. Smell that? Smells like toxic co-dependency.**

So the other night I drank tequila and submitted this before I finished it. **I never expected the chapter to be this long. Ugh, this is probably the longest chapter I've ever written in a fic. Forgive meee bc I don't wanna get your hopes up that I'll do anything past 3k again for a while.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own TVD or its characters.**

* * *

Chapter 3

The real world

.

.

Bonnie sat on the floor of the living room in the wee hours of the morning with her head bowed and her phone pressed to her ear. She had just finished explaining her current situation to Samirah while making sure not to wake Damon. She had snuck away from sharing a bed with him when she woke up to clear the kitchen counter of dishes and beer bottles. To anyone who didn't know, it still looked like the house of a couple who were still bustling about. She never slept by his side before, it felt surreal. The next closest thing she did to it was passing out on the same couch after a drinking game brought up by Damon who started a few rounds before her in the 1994 alternate universe.

"What have you gotten yourself into?" Samirah sighed, clearly disappointed.

"It's only for a little while. I'm not going back to the way things were. I can't do it anymore."

"I know girl. Don't mean I din' have a feeling it would be about him. Get that boy a therapist, that's what he really needs. That little while won't be a little while if he keeps you waiting for him to fix his self. You stay firm. I gotta busy day with you leavin outta nowhere." Samirah teased, they were both aware the elder anticipated her heading home.

"Prepping for a funeral and tying up the loose ends here is not my idea of a vacation." Bonnie picked at the tassels of the rug she sat on. It was obvious Elena picked it out, it didn't look like something Damon would buy.

"You make sure ya tie them up tight, those loose ends. Becoming a Ra ain't for the easily swayed, it's like goddesshood."

"Goddesshood?"

"It comes with the position. Great responsibility an great power go together like snap peas and black pepper. You having second thoughts now?"

"No. I've spent my life knowing I was meant to be and do something good and bigger than what this town could offer. I just- he has barely been human and-"

"Don't get stuck. I won't say it again."

"Yea yea," she sighed, "I know. When I'm done with this place I'm done for good. I'll see you soon."

"Sure, you say that now..." Samirah continued to tease with a chuckle, Bonnie rolled her eyes before hanging up.

One by one she pushed open the curtains and pulled the blinds up in each room bringing warm sunlight into the house to chase away the staleness. There was a blockage, Bonnie could feel it in her spirit. She had lived a nearly technology-free life with Samirah for so long, the electric signals in the house were almost making a deafening ringing in her ear. Letting down her hair from its signature high messy bun, she put on a white apron and reached behind the microwave to unplug it. As the neon numbers on the front faded to black, it did something to her. She turned into a whirlwind, moving around the house like a fireman putting out a fire. Bonnie unplugged the TV, the desktop computer, and anything else that gave off that ringing noise she grew sensitive to. To keep things easy going she would eventually have to sage the house while Damon was in physical therapy.

Once the signal was clear, she could breathe again. Bonnie turned on the stove top, opened up the cabinets and their pantry to find filling food that would keep them satisfied for most of the day. While he was heavily medicated it wouldn't be hard to convince Damon to settle for books and maybe listen to the radio. Bonnie knew there would be a time where they would have to sit down and talk about his future and it had to be soon. If he kept himself quiet and distracted, he would just push things inside until issues were unavoidable and harder to fix. She feared he'd drink himself to death if she left too soon.

* * *

Damon was getting tired of being made to rest in bed all day. Restless. The house was too quiet; Bonnie didn't try to carry much of a conversation and it was hard for him to find the words to begin one. The crying outbursts lessened significantly, some days he felt emotional and other days he felt frustrated. The woman that was his best friend was the same but different. As if she went through something that changed her and he felt he missed an important chapter in her life.

Blue eyes studied the ceiling as Bonnie sat in the corner of his room, eyes closed and hands in her lap as she meditated. She was always at his beck and call but equally out of reach. She wore a long white sweater, a white camisole, and fitted cream pants. Half of the few articles of clothing she decided to pick up on her short trip. He didn't want to disturb her and say something that would make her scurry out of his room like a frightened deer, she made a habit of it. He missed her too much and knew he should be mourning but the gain of her returning was too powerful for him to have the appropriate emotions.

Caroline and Jeremy came to visit that morning to go through Elena's belongings. Some things were donated, some were taken by either Caroline or Jeremy, the remaining knickknacks Damon held no attachment to was discarded. Neither men could be in the same room for more than a few minutes at a time, Jeremy was still on edge around him. Caroline had to direct most of his conversations with Bonnie. His wording nearing disrespectful when he made her feel that it was charity work to look after Damon. It was strange for all of them to be in the same house for Elena. For the last time.

Jeremy left early while Caroline and Bonnie discussed what Matt was up to, how the twins were doing, and the inevitable funeral arrangements. They both agreed it was best if Caroline did the eulogy. The blonde vampire suggested that they not wear black, as Elena would want them to celebrate her life instead of mourning her passing. Damon was the exception in that light.

"Damon." Her eyes finally opened, not looking at anything in particular.

The man's eyes lazily roamed across the room until they settled on her. It was midday and he was still in bed with an open book resting on his chest. He had stared at the same page for nearly twenty minutes before giving up.

"Bon Bon." He was sedated and drained but mostly aware of his surroundings. His lips quirked for a brief second with hope. Hope that she put in him that never left.

"Could I bother you for a minute?"

"Don't think you could bother me."

The witch wrapped her arms around herself as she left the floor to sit in the rocking chair that became a place of comfort in his home. "For... the um... funeral. Is there enough savings?" So many of their lost friends never got a decent funeral.

"Yeah." His voice was still as raspy as when he left the hospital. "After paying off 'Lena's student loans with the money we got from the boarding house, buying the new house, and car...we _had_. There's some left."

"Some?" Bonnie finally met his gaze.

His hand slowly rubbed at the stubble on his face. "I'm forced to live a simple life, Bon. More simple than I wanted. Simple work and simple way of life. Yadda-yadda. It's hard to lay low and out of the eyes of a long list of enemies. No compulsion to ease oneself out of a history of crimes or sightings over time. I'll have enough after to get a cabin somewhere." All of the talking hurt his ribs and upper lip. It was healing nicely but the scar where the stitches were removed was already forming.

Bonnie wanted to sit by him, hug him, tell him she would help him through it. She wanted to but stayed firmly planted in her chair. If he was still a vampire he'd know how hard her heart thumped in her chest for him. "But it's a nice house. This one." He would drift into a dark place and she would pull him out. It was a verbal tug of war that replaced their old bantering.

"For someone with a doctor's salary. And I ain't-a doctor, not in the books for me." His tone was filled with spite as his eyes left her. There were a plethora of things an ex-vampire couldn't do to remain under the radar. No fame. No notoriety. No accomplishments too helpful. No glory too big. No job too important. His life was supposed to be just beginning but he wasn't prepared for the consequences.

"Should I give you a moment?" Bonnie figured she said too much seeing Damon's face crumple.

She had a way unknowingly giving him that unfamiliar feeling. The first time he experienced it, it was in that cabin in the middle of the woods watching her and Enzo smile and laugh on that hideous couch. He was only feet away but it felt like miles. "Nope. Don't need it. I'm going to be here all day anyway." Damon winced as he pushed himself from a slouch to a fully upright position, the book closed as it fell into his lap.

"It feels like you're fighting me, but I know it hurts to lose someone you love so I don't want to make matters worse."

"Just. Stay. Let me- I- Dammit." His lips curled in with a grimace, hating that he couldn't find the right words. Damon tried to be more open making up for lost time but nothing came out right. He was still unfamiliar with the act. The charm and swagger from his glory days were so rehearsed and repetitive that now it felt like he was learning to speak for the first time.

"It's alright. I'm just going to make us some tea."

"Bonnie, listen, just sit. Okay? I can't do this by myself. I don't know what to do." There was a rising panic she brought out in him every time Bonnie bolted from his bedroom. She stopped comforting him by holding him when he pulled her in too tightly each time. He couldn't simply shut the door, block her exit, or grab her. One day she was going to walk out of his room and his life and he would never see her again.

"I'm not asking you to right now. This is big. What happened was major. To everyone." Her calm voice was resolute and it made him nervous.

"Well don't make me feel like the bad guy Bon. Not now. I need my _best_ friend... you're still my best friend right?" He swallowed, watching her shift uncomfortably. It made the crushing weight of growing old all alone heavier. Elena was gone. Stefan was gone. So many people were gone. The people left were out of reach. Caroline and Alaric were busy raising a family. Matt still found him obnoxious.

"Sure."

* * *

The medication kept him calm and dulled the pain he was in as he healed. Days passed and the tolerance for the pain meds grew and for not having alcohol receded. He began to complain and whine about every little thing. Bonnie found herself avoiding arguments and him unless she had no choice, she called it his 'rest and reflect' time but he didn't buy it.

Bonnie hummed softly adding a few drops of vanilla extract and a pinch of cinnamon to the oatmeal cooking on the stove. The rattling of Damon's wheelchair could be heard outside of the kitchen. His other arm was finally out of the sling after a month of healing but he still had to take it easy. In another couple of weeks, he'd be in leg braces and using crutches.

"I'm almost done, do you want brown sugar?" It was best to give him a big breakfast and a very late dinner. If he ate after taking his pain meds they were never as potent and he got particularly short-fused. More at the world than her, especially when it came to their nosy neighbor.

"Mhm."

She could feel his eyes on her back, by now she was used to it. Their little arguments reminded him of a younger Bonnie that put up helping him but there were times where he could be ridiculous.

Eventually, like his doubts, it worsened.

* * *

"I need a drink."

"How about some ginger ale?" She closed the book she was reading and looked over at him.

"I don't want that. I don't want juice or coffee or water or whatever!" Damon shoved the newspaper off onto the couch she moved him to. They were sitting in front of the fireplace that evening and she knew his meds were wearing off.

"Damon, I can't let you drink. You're being unreasonable." Bonnie wouldn't give him alcohol especially after he passed the last stages of withdrawal he slept through. Every time the opportunity presented itself she searched the house for liquor and poured it down the drain.

"Unreasonable? You want to talk about _unreasonable_ little miss disappearing act?" Arguing was how he got her to talk to him. It was unhealthy but he was never the poster child for that.

"You are the definition of unreasonable. I could talk about unreasonable until your ears fell off." Bonnie said losing her patience, he kept picking at her as the weeks went on. His favorite part was turning around asking for help with something everytime she left to make her come back.

"Try me. Be my guest. You've always acted like you're holding back!" He lifted an arm waving it as if presenting a stage to her.

He asked for it. Who was she to deny him? Samirah taught her to be honest with herself, to walk in her truth. Damon was right, she held back long enough. Marching up to him, she placed her palms against the back of the couch on either side of his head.

"Hmm. What should I start with? While we were in the prison world the only reason I listened to your cliche ass mediocre taste in music was that I pitied you. I felt guilty about something that wasn't even my fault. Troping for you, babysitting you, holding you accountable for your mediocre decisions when no one else did." Her voice trembled as she kept it from raising.

"Mediocre?! You're saying that _I_ have mediocre tastes? Oh, sweetheart, this is rich. The irony. Have you hit your pretty little head and forgot every loser you've fallen head over heels with? Where's Enzo? Where's Jeremy? That creepy warlock?" The expression on her face showed bringing up Enzo clearly ticked her off. When he got her riled up enough she didn't run away, instead, she'd go toe to toe with him as long as he didn't dig too deep. It wasn't the same old Bonnie but it was close enough.

"Every loser I've fallen head over heels with? Like _you_? Like when you decided you'd wait out my life sitting in a coffin? For weeks I cried myself out over you. Like a foolish little girl I was telling a room full of strangers how I cared about you more than anyone else in the world. I'd shout it from the rooftops if I could. It took me _years_ to get over it. So you're right, Damon. I guess I did have pretty damn mediocre tastes."

Bonnie never felt tempted to slap an injured man before that night. The only reason she didn't was that she knew where this was headed. She took deep breaths finding her center after he managed to trick her into stooping to his level. It had been so long she had forgotten all about one of his favorite pastimes. The witch's body to jerked backward. She spoke with honesty but this was mean. This was wrong. Bonnie didn't want to be that person.

"Wait, what?" His skin prickled and as the realization washed over him. How he could have been so clueless shocked him. Time seemed to stop as his hand reached out for hers. "Bonnie-"

She snatched her own hand away in fear, shaking her head hoping that only peaceful clarity would be left within her. Bonnie reminded herself she had the power over her own energy and emotions. No one else. That included her pride and sense of self-respect but her emotions were already running high and uncontrollable.

"No, no no no. Look, that- I'm sorry. I didn't mean- Oh my god. You lost Elena. Your fiance. I-" She started to cry. "What I said wasn't right. You're mourning and I'm supposed to be supportive- and I try, I-I really do try. God do I try and. It. Never ever _ever_ feels like it's enough." She sobbed and stumbled over her words that poured out of her mouth before she could stop them. "It just got too much and I knew. I just knew I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't be here anymore. And I still can't. I can't. It hurts my _soul_."

Wiping her tears she took another step back as he tried to reach his wheelchair, unaware his shaky breath began to match hers. He felt like he was being tortured. "Bonnie, I-"

"I kept waiting. I kept holding on." Her voice cracked, the sound felt like someone ripped his chest open and squeezed his heart to give him an agonizing death. "I kept h-hoping things would change in this stupid town and here I am, complaining when... it's over. It's finally all over when it's said and done." Her gasping breaths began to slow. "I'm supposed to be better now. I just- I just gotta get you back on your feet because that's what a good person does. I wanna be a good person. That's all." It was all she thought she needed. Being good was all she had left but even in a safe place, the town continued to wreck her.

"Come here. Please." He maneuvered himself as she made tiny steps backing herself out of the room. It was painful to watch her like that. He'd crawl after her if he had to but he felt like he was already losing her completely. Permanently.

"Don't Damon." A short laugh escaped her as she flung her hands in the air. "I should be comforting you. Not the other way around." Bonnie began to gather herself, wiping her face. "I gotta- boy, what a mess. I'll go draw your bath and get you ready for bed. Just rest and forget the whole... nonsense." Another little laugh of denial escaped her. "Silly, it's silly."

Quickly Bonnie retreated to avoid the embarrassing pity that she was certain would follow. She held onto her restraint for so long it would be a defeat to lose what was left. There was a job that had to be done whether she liked it or not.

* * *

 **Sorry folks for the late update. No worries I'll still write until the end.**

 **Bonnie's finally confronting her old hangups and voicing herself but at what expense?**


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